An Atheist, a Vegan and a Crossfitter Walk into a Bar

I only know this because they told everyone in the first two minutes.

You're welcome!

This is the email I started days ago. I have been terribly at sending updates, pictures, etc. I will attempt to report by responding to your questions. (I know these are your questions.)

Q. Have you come up with any good names for rock bands lately?

A. Probably hundreds. Here are three pretty good ones that came to mind recently:

1. Misophony (well, if we are really bad or if Miriam can't stand us)
2. The Thickening Plots
3. Probably Hundreds

Q. Have you had any groan-worthy dad jokes or puns lately?

A. Of course.

Q. And?

A1. My recent favorite was a quip about Mustafa's son's friendship with Pumba and Timon. I said they had a Simbayotic relationship. I thought that was pretty good.

A2. I believe it was Joshua that told me that a neighbor's animal (dog or cat, I don't remember) named Clover had run away. I asked if it happened often, because I figured it would only happen three times: a four-leave Clover is pretty rare. Ba da bing!

A3. My memory eludes me on the details, but we were talking about putting away the custard we were eating or something; and I just had to say that it was, in general, Custard's last stand ... or something absurd like that. I am pretty sure it elicited a groan.

Q. Does Miriam do "dad puns"?

A. Oh, yes. Something was said on the news, I believe, about reservoirs and needing to find an alternative to using a dam. Miriam immediately said "like a 'darn' or 'dang' instead".

Q. Give me one good Esther cutism, will you?

A. Sure. All the children were asked the following question: If you could replay a happy event in your life over and over, what would it be? Esther replied that it would be Finding Dory 3. Miriam said, "I think Finding Dory is number two." Esther replied "Yes. But, it would be three."

Q. Are you laughing about that right now?

A. Yes. I am crying I am laughing so hard. What an amazing answer!

Q. Give me another good Esther cutism, then.

A. Esther went around singing "my buns are burning" the other day. I didn't ask.

Q. I like pictures.

A. Good! Here are some pictures of the children taken by a relatively new neighbor, Cassandra Hennis. I like them. We still need to get a family picture done, so I hope you older children will work with Mom on that.

Q. Did anyone stop by wondering if your house was on fire Saturday?

A. Yes.

Q. Was your house on fire?

A. No

Q. Then, what gives?

A. The lawnmower Andrew fixed. I hope it is an overfill of oil or something, but I fear he may have ruined the cylinder or something, bless his ambitious heart. So much smoke poured out at one point people stopped and neighbors came out on their decks. Weird side note, I had also volunteered to mow Sister Wamsley's yard that day (she is fighting breast cancer, by the way), and her mower just stopped working ... so I had to use ours. Lots of white smoke Saturday!

Q. Now that you are editing this days later, is there something you should add here?

A. Gideon's car died just before he came down Saturday. He has decided to give up on it, and take it off life support. I am sorry. It is time for him to fix his bike, and then freeze soon thereafter.

Q. You usually give father's blessings to your children at the start of a new school year. Did anything interesting happen?

A. Yes. I gave a blessing to Miriam first, and she almost immediately starting sobbing, shaking and jerking. When I finished, I asked how she was but she wouldn't answer. I later learned that I had smacked my lips and she was being driven crazy by me. I am not sure she heard a word I said ... not that it matters. FYI, I'd be glad to give my older children blessings any time.

Q. Why is the left side of your window dirty, as seen below?

A. Because a demon-possessed robin slammed its head into the window over and over again for about a week, day and night. It was one of the strangest things I have ever seen. And, it made me not want to work at my desk downstairs. Or go outside. Or watch a Hitchcock movie.

Q. Are you done yet?

A. Yep.